Transformed and Renewed...in view of God's mercy

Lonely

2011-11-22T12:34:00.001-08:00

I have felt quite alone lately. It isn't all bad.
No matter if I am alone and ok with it, or lonely and not doing very well, I am thankful that I have a Savior who understands.

Sometimes I choose to be alone.
To hide. To be apart. This happens more and more the older I get. Perhaps due to being a stay at home, homeschooling mom for so many years I now find myself thoroughly enjoying time alone every now and then.

And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone...

Sometimes I am just lonely, whether with or without people. It can sometimes feel like a deep sorrow.

Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here, while I go over there and pray." And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me." And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done." And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. So, leaving them again, he went away and prayed for the third time...

Sometimes others simply can't join us. We must be alone--operating tables for instance, or job interviews.

And when they had crucified him, they divided his garments among them by casting lots. Then they sat down and kept watch over him there. And over his head they put the charge against him, which read, "This is Jesus, the King of the Jews." Then two robbers were crucified with him, one on the right and one on the left. And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, "You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross." So also the chief priests,with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, "He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, 'I am the Son of God.'" And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way. The Death of Jesus Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Jesus went to this sorrowful lonely place on the cross for me.
My pastor challenged us this last Sunday to see passages like this anew. To actually own it and ask Jesus, "How could you go through that suffering for me, Jesus?"

He challenged us to learn again how we can't earn God's favor by trying to do and be good - trying to help Him out on His cross. Only Jesus could earn God's favor for me and as these passages show, it was awful for Him.

Thank you Jesus, that you chose to love me so much; to hang alone on a cross and die for me. Help me to realize there is no room and no need for me on your cross to help pay for my sins because as you said,

"It is finished."

Sometimes those we love must go through things alone as well. It might be sorrowful, but the work that the Spirit can accomplish in that one-on-one time is less hindered. This is when we join with our prayers, trusting and agreeing with the Spirit that the work being done on this dear one's behalf is best.

awe

2011-11-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

When I am in awe at God's goodness to me and wonder at His personal touch in my life...when I think it is "so far from what He needs to do" ... THAT is when I clearly see God's grace-filled attention to details.
God's ways are not my ways. His thinking is not my thinking.
I am beginning to consider that what "He needs to do" might actually be more about us as individuals (ridiculous to my thinking) while He just happens to hold the universe together.
I can't help but praise and honor His name.

When I remember the whole bible is pointed to the story of Jesus and His work for us on the cross, because we needed rescued, it becomes more plausible that this ridiculous grace really is mine.
He still loves me, answers prayers and gives peace that I don't understand while He's keeping the earth in it's orbit.
Unfathomable.

Savior

2011-10-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

I have this life...
It's full, it's practiced (I've lived it for nearly 46 years!), it's predictable, it includes different roles--Being a wife, being a mom, being an employee, being a friend, being a sister, being an aunt, being a daughter in law, etc.

I have this habit...
I naturally think I am the source of all strength, solutions, and sustenance. It's all-encompassing, never ending, and quite stubborn. I "humbly" receive counsel and seek input, knowing later that my judgement will prevail because who knows best, but me?

I have this God...
He touches on each and every relationship area of my life, in His time and for His glory. It ends up looking and feeling quite a bit like death. Which it is. "For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body."

God has this Gospel---this "Good News"...
"We know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus..."

In small places, indiscernible to the naked eye,

I have this paradigm shift...
I am weak. Jesus is strong. I can't. Jesus can and did. I am fixed because He did the fixing.

My pastor and friend wrote:
"The gospel teaches us that no one fixes anyone; but Jesus paid for the fix with His blood, He does the fixing with His Spirit, and in the end, is still the only one completely fixed this side of Heaven."

Jesus completed work is still saving me, my husband, my family, my co-workers, my pastor, my friends. What a Savior!

Reminding myself I'm clean

2011-09-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Mark 2

He went out again beside the sea, and all the crowd was coming to him, and he was teaching them. And as he passed by, he saw Levi the son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax booth, and he said to him, "Follow me." And he rose and followed him.

And as he reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. And the scribes of the Pharisees, when they saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors, said to his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?" And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

I read this recently and it dawned on me that Jesus isn’t speaking of those reclining at the table with him in a disparaging tone…He is, in essence, inviting the Pharisees to join Him, but first they need to realize they are sick too!

I heard Tullian Tchividjian share in his recent series on Grace that we so often think we have to DO DO DO our Christianity (Exactly like the Pharisees). This thinking ends one of two ways…pride (ie: sin) in how well we have done, or despair (faithlessness ie: sin), cuz we just “can’t get ‘er done”.

When will we realize, "It is finished" really means just that?

Mark continues...

Now John’s disciples and the Pharisees were fasting. And people came and said to him, “Why do John’s disciples and the disciples of the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?" And Jesus said to them, "Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them? As long as they have the bridegroom with them, they cannot fast. The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast in that day. No one sews a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. If he does, the patch tears away from it, the new from the old, and a worse tear is made. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the wine will burst the skins—and the wine is destroyed, and so are the skins. But new wine is for fresh wineskins."

The message of God’s grace is “new wine for fresh wineskins”.

Attempting to attach True grace to works-based Christianity will only prolong the misleading notion that we somehow have a part in our redemption.
We tend to forget the order of things concerning our salvation.

1. It’s God’s gift (we ALL need it, tax collectors and Pharisees alike)

2. It’s not our works (Hello!? We all try to sneak this method by…some for much loooonger than others)

3. We’ve been created IN Christ Jesus for good works
4. Rinse, repeat.

Need a book to read?

2011-09-01T07:59:00.001-07:00

Wow...I was touched by the restraint the author used to show such profound themes, emotion and character development. Highly recommend this one!

a lot o' Lamott

2011-07-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

Anne Lamott fiction...I think I've read them all this spring and summer.

Common themes... Raw, honest brokenness. True community. Grace. Humor.

If I were to write a review...
Her writing deliciously meanders and then she sneaks a breath-taking nugget in the mix. I pause, smile and sip my coffee.

Wackadoo

2011-06-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if we are crazy. Literally wackadoo.

Our perspectives and viewpoints sound nuts when compared to a Christian who is still living "they will know we are Christians by our *works*". When their expectations and assumptions place us "on the same page", that's when the division begins. Think oil and water, or as one particular Christian said to my husband this week, "To me- it is quite clear we are two very different people." This was followed, of course by a strong explanation of how he was right and our thinking was wrong.

My husband shocks me with his clear (is it sometimes just plain stubbornness?) view of the truth of a situation.

While I am still trying to find my equilibrium--- since my heart has been shook like a snow globe (all the specifics and non specifics still need to settle for me to see clearly)--- he generally guides me through the snowstorm.

I have to admit, that for me, the truth of the gospel and LIVING IT IN TRUTH is difficult because the gospel is irrational. If I'm honest, I lean toward pervasive rational Christianity. In fact I can join it it in a scary second.

The gospel obliterates the importance of appearances. Instead, it is all about God and the fact that He accepts me.

I am generally on the "right track" when I re-realize that I am, and always have been, fully unable to EVER do anything to earn God's acceptance....

but, "In love, He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ,

according to the purpose of His will,

to the praise of His glorious grace,

with which He has blessed us in the Beloved.

In Him we have redemption through His blood,

the forgiveness of our trespasses,

according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us,

in all wisdom and insight making know to us the mystery of His will,

according to His purpose,

which He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time,

to unite all things in Him,

things in heaven and on earth. "

There it is in black and white...this Plan for the fullness of time is a "mystery".

The hope to which I must cling is that He is "Making known to (me) the mystery of His will".

One difficult interaction at a time.

Equilibrium is such a highly overrated, controlled state of being anyway!

"Peace that passes understanding"...that's His answer instead....according to the riches of His grace.

"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church...."

2011-06-08T18:18:00.001-07:00

My husband "took the shot".
He responded to a verbal assault that was directed to us, as a couple.

He took the wrath and addressed what he saw honestly and yet with restraint as I could not have done.

He Ephesians five, twenty-five’d me and now I can see Jesus in a new and more personal way.

God is good to give me such a man who points me to the Savior through word and deed.

Being transformed and Renewed...

2011-05-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

The gospel used to be just about a point in time when my eternity with God was determined.

Now I understand it is vital and daily to this life. It is breathing.

Last night at CG we talked about aspects of the gospel that we just don't understand how to implement practically into our day to day lives.

We also shared which parts we think we've "got a handle" on. In retrospect, I think God's grace and His Spirit show me just enough so that I don't always feel stupid. The rest is Him. He is my next breath.

The truth of the gospel is sometimes difficult to recognize when you have to peer through layers and layers of foggy, pre-learned life methodologies such as: “My life, now, is about being good enough to represent Him to the world.” Or, “You know what? I’ve *tried everything* I can think of in this sin area, and God just doesn’t give me any help. I give up.”

Of course I can’t get a handle on the Truth of the gospel because it has become like trying to see through visqueen window coverings.

So, I keep moving forward, in faith “receiving the kingdom of God like a child.”

Like a child, I realize, I just won’t understand everything. Do I understand how He provides my next breath or do I just trust that He will?

And like a child, I look to my Daddy more and more, not representing a level of goodness to the world, just showing that I need Him.

Minutiae and how we are all the same...

2011-04-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

My nephew, recently let me know that he has decided he's an atheist. He posted this article about a fallen local soldier to his facebook page. He wanted others to see how the church, "of all people", are responding to people who have served our country. In the amount of time that it took me to message him my response, he had deleted the post from his profile... not sure why.

But this is what I wrote him...

In response to your post....I didn't want to take up your profile with my response. :) This group is not the true "church". It is a group of people congregating around the thought that they "know better" than everyone else. They pick and choose from the Bible to increase their position in this world and make them feel better about themselves. The "true" church will look at the whole bible and recognize the message that, yes, God is holy and can't abide sin. But the message doesn't stop there. They will see that God doesn't continue to throw his vengeful wrath at all of humanity because we just aren't "cutting it".

None of us "cut it". That's why God, full of Grace and desirous of a relationship with us…His creation… threw ALL His wrath and anger on His Son Jesus. Jesus took our sins, and died. Once For ALL. That's Good Friday.
The true church rejoices at God's goodness to us through Jesus. That’s Easter! Jesus overcame SIN and DEATH for us and lives again. The true church knows that we can’t pay the price for sin ourselves; Only Jesus, the sinless, perfect sacrifice.

All that being said, Chad, what I said about the church NOT being a "group of people congregating around the thought that they 'know better' than everyone else and they pick and choose from the bible to increase their position in this world and make them feel better about themselves"

Unfortunately...that is one message that many well meaning churches propagate. This might be what has turned you off to church. Honestly, it turns me off too. That's why I am thankful to be at the church we are at now. Kaio tries to increase Jesus ONLY. We, with God's help, recognize that all of us, though perhaps in not as grossly obvious of a way as the people in this article, tend to do exactly the same thing they do.

I don't know if any of this makes sense....but it comes with an invite to you and your wife to come see what a church that is focused on something other than agendas and traditions looks like. It shouldn't be a huge step from the realm of possibility....Easter service at 815 Orchard ...10:30 AM. Please come.

I just love this guy!

2011-04-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

Luke William Anderson
Commencement 5/26/2011
Open House at Kaio Church 5/22/2011

Follow up...

2011-04-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I've been mostly free of "me" but yesterday I caught myself beginning to whine for attention. :)

"100 years from now....all new people..."

2011-04-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

That quote stuck with me after reading it a couple weeks ago. The character of this story was referring to his life drama (which wasn't anything to sniff at), and how this drama won't really matter in 100 years because it will be "all new people" ie: all new drama. A little perspective is always good, no? I thought of the pieces of drama found littered throughout my previous blog posts. It's so OFF. And it's not what I want to be frittering around with when I've only got "?" years here. I revisited Haggai this weekend, by the Spirit's leading. God pointed out to the Israelites what was consuming their time while leaving His house in a shambles.

"Is it a time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, while this house lies in ruins? Now, therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts: Consider your ways. You have sown much, and harvested little.(wahwah) You eat, but you never have enough(wahwah); you drink, but you never have your fill(wahwah). You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm(wahwah). And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes(wahwah)."

(wahwah's inserted to show *drama* moments). God, being God, doesn't tend to point out an issue without offering a solution.

"Thus says the LORD of hosts: Consider your ways. Go up to the hills and bring wood and build the house, that I may take pleasure in it and that I may be glorified," says the LORD.

Me, being me, I'm tempted to call that my "to do" and launch a hiking expedition...but thankfully I keep reading instead, to find the real solution...Jesus.

"Be strong. Work, for I am with you, my Spirit is in your midst. Fear not."

God knew they couldn't do it on their own, and we need to join Him in that realization. Do I look at the works I do for Him as, "for His glory" or for "helping" Him with my salvation above and beyond what Jesus did on the cross? Do I think He deserves all the glory or do I want some for myself? Honestly, I can't trust me anymore because I would argue that the urgency of my drama needs attention- more attention than the work He's called me to do in response to what He's done.

"There is a way that seems right to a man...but it's end leads to destruction."

When I do try, I tend to look at my progress, or apparent lack thereof. But He sees my heart and how I am looking at the work. Is it for His glory not my own...in His strenth, not with my own? Is it because of His Son and not for any other reason? I think I'm learning I need to wait and lean hard into Him and say "Yes" to whatever He places before me. Perhaps it is a walk with my husband or a sit-down meal with my family. Maybe it is waiting for hunger instead of just eating because I think I need it. Possibly I don't need to drink that next cup of coffee. Sometimes it's meeting with others when I'd rather stay home in my sweats and relax at home.
1. Go up into the hills. 2. Bring wood. 3. Build God's house.
None of this is done quickly it has many steps and turns---God's work isn't nearly as straightforward as I tend to make it. On the other hand, it isn't as complicated as I make it either. It's about watching, waiting and loving Him enough to trust Him to be my answer.

phew!

2011-04-03T18:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, I've been a bit heavy and intense lately....but after a sweet time in the Word this weekend I am realizing God was laying a foundation for what He wanted to teach me through it all. I am thankful....will share more as I can process it.

Psalm 119- more thoughts

2011-04-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

Apparently this is something we all do, I just saw it clearly recently. Fill in the blank with your idol, your go-to and see if you can relate...

It had to be fixed. I couldn’t just sit in my sin, I needed to clean up as best I could from the damage I’d done. My best attempts at fixing begin, too often, with what I know; what I have always done.

It is so strange to feel and process on this side of the gospel. What has been my modus operandi for years and becomes more apparent that I

mostly

desire my way and

too often

catch myself following these old familiar paths.

On this side of the gospel, I am beginning to see my thoughts turn when I realize I’ve sinned. Now, I watch myself like a spectator as I start thinking about what I can do to stay "on track" and not be ruined by this failing---to not have to live with it…to not have to surrender.

I watch myself correct the wrong, knowing it is futile and not the answer. I even feel somewhat absolved by the discomfort the process brings. “At least it isn’t an easy fix,” I reason. And when my clean up efforts are done, my heart is pounding and for the first time, my thoughts turn to Him and I know He is sad.

He saw me fail. HE also saw me ease back into my answer. He saw my anxiety. He watched me proceed without seeing His Son. He saw me forget that Jesus completely removed my sin-- making the frantic clean up efforts so unnecessary.

So I sit in the afternoon sun stripe on the dining room floor, looking up, asking Him to tell me what I had just done to Him…what it said to Him when I chose my way over His Way. What does He feel?

Part of the obvious problem is thinking that I can fix sin ---but the underlying fallacy is that I thought I was "on track". The "successes" I'd had thus far were not because of a dependence on Him and being filled by His sufficiency instead of filling my empty desires my way. Fixing my broken self with my answers is like putting sugar in a gas tank.

So where is the hope?

My hope is that it is always Him who will bring me to the place of doing the right thing, the good work, His law....It will be Him who allows me to see my need for Him.

My shame and exhaustion are damning-- I see my desperate need and it is outlined distinctly with Hope. The sun is warm on my face.

"Remember your word to your servant, in which You have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life." Ps 119:49-50

Psalm 119

2011-03-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

Ever since Sunday's sermon I keep thinking, "There is a way that seems right to a man...." I am still thinking it after I taste death and sit amongst its empty wrappers. I am alone and am slowly being consumed by my own disdain. Desperation cries out from my very lips, "Show me Your ways!" Jesus, being THE WAY, testifies - honest and to the point-- "I live because of the Father, so whoever feeds on me, he also will live because of me." "My flesh is true food. My blood is true drink." Pause. Apparently that desperation isn't quite *desperate enough* when I side with those who respond, "This is a hard saying. Who can listen to it?" But when His words are truly "spirit and life" that is when, without hesitation, I realize my emptiness can only be filled with Him. Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Splinters

2011-02-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

Unfortuately, the original offense was too easily re-lived; it was closer to the surface than I thought.

The first time the circumstances surrounding the offense "came to light", it was admittedly, a long drawn out affair but ultimately, was "dealt with scripturally" and tucked away neatly. In other words, I no longer had to dwell on it or deal with it.

The other party would now move on and "work through it" with God and others if needed.

Unfortunately I was made aware of how personal it still was to me. Instead of being over, it had become a hidden piece of rotten food whose odor sometimes wafted past. I hadn't taken the time to deal with it completely.

Being confronted again, in this old area, with this same person was like a slap in the face. The ugliness of the sin washed over me anew. It wasn't an uncomfortable inconvenience of having to look again at something I'd rather ignore. It was personal and painful.

To the dear sinner, my response and having to be confronted again with what, to them, had become "an area of struggle" that they were "dealing with" was like re-living a nightmare.

Our sin becomes tame and manageable to us when we think we are doing what we need to do with it:

confession

accountability

dealing with it on a daily basis

dealing rightly with it and then pretending it's over when it's not

When we fearfully view sin from God's perspective we see what an atrocious evil it is to our God. When we realize it flares up in His holy face and He must turn away... that is when we will taste the vile bitterness God tastes regarding our sin. It is obvious the only rescue we have is Christ's death. We must cling to His blood soaked cross, receive his death payment and become new and clean.

Because Christ endured the violent payment for that sin God required on our behalf, there is now no "dealing with it".

It looks more like a bowed head, clasped bloodied, splintered hands and grateful tears.

It's so hard to judge the next guy from that position....

Jesus and parties

2011-02-06T09:04:00.000-08:00

At CG matt read this... "As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him. While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” It looks to me like Jesus just went to "be with them" not preach at them that night. It was a perfect passage to say that Jesus heard from the religious of the day and didn't let them and their opinions matter more than God. He didn't make them bigger than God, which is what I want to do sometimes. Unfortunately opinions matter to me. Too much.

This was freeing for me as my coworkers and I plan another wine tasting get together. "I desire mercy not sacrifice"...I am not sure what it means exactly, but it speaks to me about expectations, judgments, and all sorts of ugliness. I can't provide any kind of perfection--- apart from Jesus. Jesus showed mercy to me. I need to show mercy to others. Period.

Epiphany

2011-01-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

The stressful weeks before the wedding lent themselves to easy fear and more than ready concerns making the Spirit's work on the day of their marriage a quiet startle to my heart.

My heart had been doing a good job of warding off most emotion with exhaustion and busy-ness that day, but the Spirit, BEING the Holy Spirit was able to do His revelatory work, even through my thickness.
What used to be "What in the world are you thinking?" and "What have you become?" and "Why don't you see what I see?" was all of a sudden, "Oh! That is who you ARE, dear one!"
Peace indescribable invaded the place that used to be muddied with appearances and approval seeking.

I saw her, uncomfortable with public attention - the beautiful bride...yet, when one-on-one and/or by her groom's side greeting strangers, warm and at ease.
I saw the love her friends had for her as they said their good byes and was reminded at how she, the daughter, can calm this mother's hurt with a warm look and a squeeze of the hand. She is lovely.

Realizations, as only the Spirit can give, washed over me.

...She is, perhaps, simply fitted for a quiet home and children no matter what her grade point was or how much schooling her scholarships can provide for free.
More than likely, a career will not be in her future and amazingly enough, that becomes "okay" to me.
I see her as part of God's plan being used for His glory--Not a child being forced to become who she's not.
He saved her from me. He saved me from the past that ruled my thoughts and actions.
He is so good and I praise Him for His miraculous work.

Mother bear -ug

2010-12-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

I talked to my son this morning...well, I first talked to God....on the way to work

Even after we talked at Thanksgiving, last night he said that "he had decided" that he was going to TCX (a Campus Crusade event that is occuring over New Years). He said he needs to go because of the Chinese guys from his bible study that are thinking about going. He said he would be gone from 12-28 til noon on 12-31. Wedding 1-1.

We had already told him at Thanksgiving that he needs to give his family his Christmas break....he uses most every break that he has for Campus Crusade...and, this, we felt was more important.... He would be missing out on a lot of the big preparations and the bachelor party.

On the way to work, God showed me that my words to him last night (which got pretty emotional) were something that I needed to listen to myself.

He reminded me of my words, "If God leads those Chinese guys to TCX then don't you think He is big enough to make sure they hear what they need to hear without you being there?"

So God said to me this morning, "Lori, if I lead your son to go to TCX then don't you think I am big enough to take care of the rest of the family and the hurt that you are all in a bunch about?"

So this morning I called and told my son that my two main thoughts after last nights conversation were 1. I wasn't completely trusting his decision-making ability on this whole issue. I hadn't heard him say "I feel Led by God to go.". 2. I have always tried to keep my kids from hurting each other, ever since they were little. This seems like a hurtful thing and I want to stop him from doing it ---as his Mom.

I then told him about what God spoke to me. I told him I felt like I was jamming a wedge very deeply between us and that I was forgetting God is big and can take care of the rest of us.

God is good to gospel me in my overbearing controlling mom moments.

Transformed and Renewed

2010-09-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

Transformed inside AND outside would be the goal...interminably entwined are the two.

"In View of God's Mercy" ie: it is His work.

Randy and I are heading out today to get away for the night...we will be in the great out of doors with our four legs, two backpacks and two hammocks.
I am thankful for the chance to get away.

Last night I walked the track at West while listening to my daughter's marching band practice. I needed to "get away" then too - to run from my food failures that day and clear my cluttered brain. (Oh...it gets so crowded and loud in there when I have screwed up.)

Getting away with Randy will be 1. quiet time together 2. movement together 3. conversation together

All blessings.

We are only a few short months away from the wedding and there is so much to do.
It is hard to balance the ownership on this one---being administrative.
It is hard to balance the numbers on this one--- being poor.
It is hard to balance the expectations on this one...well--- being me...and having never done this before.

now, I shall attempt to balance those three "it is hard" statements with three "I am thankful it is going well in this area" statements. Drum roll please.....

I am thankful I have a daughter who is quite relaxed and content about the whole process.
I am thankful for a husband who is learning to verbalize and share.
I am thankful for location, photographer, food ideas, some decorations, engagement pictures and the mission statement of the wedding falling into place.

Now that wasn't so hard, was it Lori?

Paths

2010-03-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

I am now working full time at the place that I worked as a temp for 6 months in 2009. It is a good move. For me. For my family. Having worked with mentally ill clients for the last 3 months, my eyes have been opened. I will always be changed by them. Maybe someday, when I don't have children at home (needing me to be more than an exhausted lump on the couch) I can go work with these people again. Maybe I just didn't give it enough time...maybe I would have learned to leave them in their apartments instead of bringing them home with me each night in my thoughts and prayers. Not sure. But in the meantime, I am so very thankful to God for bringing me just what we needed at just the right time! He is good! Did I mention Rachel is engaged? :)

Another Day Another Dollar

2010-02-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

It is hard to express how a person becomes big in your eyes. It is always personal...it is sometimes about what you value. With the mentally ill clients that I work with it is a little of both. I was trying to "gear up" to meet with a client this morning, feeling a bit resentful at the staff person who visited him yesterday because she took the grocery store run. It is hard to sit with Todd, but that is what he generally wants to do. He asks me at times, "How much time do you have this morning, Lori?" and I want to pull out my schedule and lie and tell him less time than I actually am allotted. I leave his place generally after having listened to his repeated, predictable diatribes on smoking and tobacco, dating older woman, the book of Revelation or alcohol and caffeine and his superman tolerance for each. I always smell like an ash tray and have to assure his paranoid questions that I didn't think anything strange about him the last time I was with him. It's a littany. An unsettled, obscure chant I must sing every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. God showed up this last Tuesday when I visited Todd. I'm learning He tends to show up where I least expect Him. That day, Todd told me over the phone that he had had "projectile vomit" the night before. He mentioned he feared for his life and had gone to the emergency room with his brother's assistance. I, of course, was not even close to wanting to visit him, however he had a follow-up appointment at his family doctor. Vowing to myself that I would drive him the 3 minutes to the doctor's office with my window rolled down so as to not catch his germs, I pulled up outside his bright pink narrow door. As Todd got in the company car he started talking. And talking. He filled that small car with words as I filled it with equal parts fresh air. After his appointment he mentioned he needed to get a prescription at the pharmacy in the next town and, could we stop at Kwik Star to get him some breakfast? Breakfast?! We turned toward Kwik Star as my thoughts raced for solutions. When he climbed in the car with two chili dogs and zero napkins, I told him I would drop him off at his apartment and he could go home to rest with his "breakfast" and I could go get his prescriptions and bring them back. He nodded agreement as his mouth was full; chili and mustard on each corner of his mouth. As I pulled up to his apartment he opened the door with a smear of yellow on the interior and asked in his slow, thick East coast accent if I could come up and help him with the sample of nasal spray the doctor's office had given him when I return. So much for dropping off the medications at the door and running. As I pulled away I couldn't control the hilarious, uncontrollable laugh-whimpers that erupted from me. Thankfully, I had time to gather control on the ride there and back. I prayed and wondered at what was rolling around inside of my stomach, assuring myself there was no way it was the stomach flu already. I climbed his steep, narrow stairs and knocked on the door. He called, "Just hold on, Lori." He opened the door a minute later with bare feet and an explanation of having to get dressed as he'd climbed in bed and dutifully rested. As I walked in the door, I sensed Something come over me. His dark, windowless front room held no invitation for me. Ever. But this time I knew I was not alone with Todd. Compassion entered me. I explained his meds to him and demonstrated his nasal spray. I watched as he guzzled a bottle of water like a pro --The directions did say, "drink plenty of water" after all. As I turned to go, Todd thanked me. "This was really nice of you, Lori." And I told him I hoped he felt better soon and I'd check on him tomorrow. Todd became big to me as I saw how small I was. He was brave and obedient - wanting to do the right thing. He didn't have a mean bone in his body and I was ashamed of my disdain. It is always personal - - these moments when you recognize Truth at work. I thanked God as I walked down the stairway, shaking my head at His great grace in showing up to help Todd in his moment of need. And me, in my even greater moment of need.

A bit of my new job

2009-12-30T08:52:00.000-08:00

Today, while sitting in the waiting room at the mental health clinic, my curious looking and smelling companion and I watched an even more curious man walk in the door. Todd noted quietly (which was an uncommon tone for Todd in waiting rooms) that he was glad that man did not live above him. The man was wearing large, clomping unzipped boots. I laughed at Todd’s dryness as he grinned with a bit of uncertainty my way. He is still learning me. Even upon knowing all he needs to know, he will still never be sure of me as his mental illness makes him very suspicious and paranoid. His meds make him forgetful which doesn’t help either. I am still learning him as well. He is a bit unnerving in his fidgety-ness. He stares and asks pointed questions, like an inquisitor trying to catch me in my “lies”. Todd has an ‘80’s rock band mullet and is balding on top. He speaks with a slight east coast accent and has poor hygiene. Living in a cold upstairs apartment above an abandoned storefront in Smallville Iowa, he rolls his own cigarettes. Todd despises judgmental attitudes and “quotes” the bible to prove his viewpoints. While driving home from a dentist appointment yesterday, Todd was emphatically declaring between mouthfuls of donuts and trail mix (he waited 30 minutes exactly after the fluoride treatment, to his credit) that Christians, if they are good Christians, should never judge others. I agreed with him quietly and he turned to me to ask if I was a Christian. I told him I was. He sat quietly for the rest of the ride home munching on a candy bar. While dropping him off at his apartment, saying our good bye’s, he turned to me before shutting the car door, “God bless you, Lori.”

Gulping in the Fresh Air

2009-10-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

I made an error today at work... an email blast error that went to some wrong recipients. When dealing with these type of conference registrants you never know what type of response you will get. Let's just say, I felt my share of condemnation as the responses started pouring into my inbox. When I finally drafted the appropriate apology and pushed "send"...I then received a few responses of, "no worries". Sometimes it's ok to realize how stifling condemnation is...just to realize how fresh and life-giving grace is. It made me think about the fact that I don't feel suffocated by the condemnation that should have been mine because Jesus took it all. That brought me to a point of giving Him thanks because all of a sudden I noticed that when that blame is removed.... I then have the privelege of breathing.

I've Loved You So Long

2009-10-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

It is a rich movie. It shows many ways we live life imprisoned without bars. The way the sisters relationship develops and how each character learns and grows is good to watch. As a "heads-up" it is in French and has subtitles ...which I didn't find distracting at all...some might.

I am dust.

2009-10-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

"The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Life sure has a way of knocking us down. I feel like curling up in my bed and discontinuing what life calls me to be and do. I am thankful for God's promise of compassion at time's like this.

The Soloist

2009-10-01T18:15:00.001-07:00

This movie should be delivered from the pulpit.

I had a church service in my living room a couple Sunday morning's ago. It was between loads of laundry while some of the week’s meals simmered on my stove top. I have the luxury of doing this most every Sunday morning now that my family meets at Kaio on Sunday nights and my family likes to sleep in.

The message of the movie was summed up in this line, "You're never going to cure so-and-so. Just be his friend and show up."
"Friends sometimes piss each other off," was a supporting statement.

I think,
when I think,
that this one is a good litmus test.

Am I close enough to her or him to piss them off? Close enough that they piss me off? God may it be so. Let me be in his/her life if You would will it.

Just this week I saw an impassioned Facebook status from a Christian man I know. I can't deny that 15 years ago I thought the same way--It makes sense and is actually easier than it's alternative.

"You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God." James 4:4 (ESV)
He followed it up with a few paragraphs of commentary, a couple more verses and a quote from Matthew Henry. He wrote well and I understood what he was saying because I used to live within this context also.
I was saddened by the “Amen’s” from other Christians and caught myself, deep down, elevating my arguments and myself to the highest most holy height that these Christians just couldn't understand.
I wanted to respond and Randy wisely told me it would suck me into a debate/argument that this man seems to thoroughly enjoy. That wisdom was from Jesus through my husband.
So I sat on it, and the next day I looked more closely at who “liked/agreed” with this man's post and it turned my heart from judgment and I had compassion, which was definitely Jesus.
I saw a man who has been hurt by the world’s recent infringement on his family’s life and I understood. I, too, have been deeply hurt by the world's sin.

However, I have been just as deeply wounded by sin within the church.
Sin is sin is sin.

If you think about it, friendship is just plain messy and it's not just messy with the world “out there”.

Why did we ever think we needed to steer clear from the world's people?

I think it is fear and mis-applied pieces of scripture; look at Jesus' life. Look at Paul's life and the other apostles and remember that EVERYONE they went to was an unbeliever. Once church's started to form, they then went to them to teach about their need to war against "the world"--but NOT the people of the world.
Frankly, it is natural to overlook the world that wars inside of us against the Spirit, and look for a culprit with skin on. We disregard the great commission by viewing the people of the world as the enemy.

When I think about messy relationships the context is changing; I've begun to see that it can work in the church. Being honest, side-by-side, about shortcomings and failures is different then being exposed by another person's malice or insecurity--which is the fear that keeps these things in the dark instead of bringing them into the Light. True community is a “messy blessing”; it is a chance to realize how "in the same boat we all are" and how much we all need Jesus.
You need Jesus desperately.
I need Jesus desperately.
Neither of us has arrived, but in His great plan, God still uses us in our weakness to befriend others who haven't met Him yet.

Knowing we all sin and struggle and overcome by the Spirit is a starting place. The starting place used to be handing out tracts, inviting disinterested unbelievers to church, creating programs and antiseptically dealing with the world out there.

In the movie, the reporter who lived uptown had a similar response to the homeless musician.
It is natural to want to help and try to "do good by him" because he obviously had more and was more privileged. Natural responses usually need to be unlearned.
The homeless shelter director’s idea was that this man did not need an evaluation to determine his sickness so he could be fixed with medication. He just needed a friend.
The reporter's response - “Your program is ******!”

In other words, It’s NOT ENOUGH… to just be friends.

Sound familiar? Churches who preach loudly from the pulpit that we should not be friends with the people of the world, but instead, "We should Slap a program-band aid on them, keep ourselves clean and pray for the best," frankly need to un-learn this natural response. Inevitably, there is a larger mess under their heavenly lifted noses -- fellow church-members are dying on the vine.

But I digress…or do I?

It has become so interminably entwined….transparency, community, needing Jesus, needing each other, loving the world together as we fully realize we are not “above” or “better” just forgiven and sent.

I hope this movie touches you and moves you along in your journey with those people that only you can touch.

Looking back on the summer

2009-08-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

The times when my family is all together are rare and precious. I just have to laugh at this progression of family pictures compared to the family photos I used to strive to capture when we were ALL younger.

I remember one particular Christmas picture when Sam was a wee babe and Luke had a very red face because he had been crying. He was being "difficult" during an attempt at our first family-of-seven picture. Though I can't remember for sure, I believe he got cuffed by someone and the camera on the tripod went “click”.

“Makin’ memories” took on a whole new meaning. Ugh. My family has become what we are. I can no longer disguise the fact that we fight and know how to grate on each others nerves better than any outsider coming in could. But I also can't deny that we enjoy each other immensely, laugh the hardest together and will always love one another.

I suppose being in any kind of close family is the best way to learn how much of a sinner you really are. I pray my children learn the lesson that I am still learning; our outside appearances and inside reality can change only because of what Jesus did by dying for our sins. Those ongoing changes are a response. They are not about what we think a good Christian should look like; that's just plain adding to the Gospel and saying that what Christ did isn't enough.

Hollow appearances...so much like family photos where fake smiles hide the grimaces underneath.

So, here we are at a Christian camp in Maryland where Michael and Rachel and Rachel's boyfriend Grant (the photographer) worked for the summer. It is one of our families favorite places on earth. I guess I like these photos because they are true...but also because it reminds me that our family has Purpose. That God can use each of one of us...despite ourselves. To be honest, the life we are living is not always what I'd "planned". But having a picture show any-given-moment's decline is so much better than the way you feel after all the matching clothes are put away, the kids are tucked in bed and you lie there, knowing that when those family pictures are developed and handed out...well, we are the only ones who know the truth behind that photo session.

I want to live life honestly in front of God and man, giving Him the glory when it turns out "good".

And honestly...all these pictures are good. :)

Graduation and Anniversary get away

2009-05-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

Proud daddy and beautiful graduate and "sleeping little brother" :) Our cousin Lindsey, from Chicago, joined us! It was so great to see her. She is such a cute pregnant lady! We snuck away the morning after the graduation to head up to Northern Minnesota for our 22nd anniversary. Our lodge is on the hill to the right, near the top, you can barely see it.... Beautiful Lake Superior Before we left, we must take a picture of the two of us! He makes me happy, I am blessed :)

used to be's

2009-05-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

I used to be the daughter of a loving, cussing, Black Velvet drinking, artisan upholsterer and a stoic, bookkeeping, democrat mother. I say "used to be" because I strayed from those earthy roots upon salvation. I suppose part of it is that both my parents have passed away. But, back to the first reason... When presented with the gospel I began filling up with careful, rule-filled living. I wanted to "do it right" since everyone else in this new world lived so different from me. Choices that were made concerning radio stations, church involvement, free-time and friends would not have been that extreme on an individual basis if that is truly how we felt Led to live. However, my lifestyle turned 180 degrees and my roots became a distant memory. Somehow it was all packed up and labeled as my sinful past. I couldn't reconcile the bad with the the good of it. It has taken years to realize it wasn't all bad and in fact, it is simply part of my story. Unfortunately, in my hamster wheel pursuit of manufactured righteousness I most certainly estranged myself from my forgiving, unsaved family and friends. I now know they lived the truth of the Gospel better than I. I now know they lived the truth of the Gospel better than I. A few years back, I re-visited my past when there was an impromptu reunion with my freshman college dorm roommate visiting from Texas. We met up with our old partying crowd of friends at a local summer festival. I, of course, did not drink beer with them...I remember wondering even, at "being seen" with them as they drank beer but remained because my friend from Texas was my ride. As we circled up and visited at dusk, with '80's tunes blasting from the stage and stacked cups of sloshing beers in hand I realized how nice these people were and that fact surprised me. Being surprised, saddened me because it forced me to wonder what other truly good things had been packed up and set aside in a dusty corner. I remembered my parents bringing me every year to this same festival. After having a few beers, they would dance to dixieland jazz in the setting summer sun. I was embarrassed because they were my parents and I was a teen, but not appalled because of their choice of beverage and recreation. I would simply wander off, shaking my head with my friends to seek out our own fun on a summer evening. Shortly after my husband and I started having babies, we re-visited the fairgrounds with a Christian couple from our church. As we walked through the amusement park we laughed off how we were able to sing along to the rock music that blared from the loud speakers. We commented on how "funny" it was that the words just rolled off our tongues and probably spiritualized it by saying something about scripture memorization and how we wished it would come to mind as easily. The sadness with my partying friends came from the fact that I 'used-to-be' something. I used to walk through those amusement rides with my junior high friends on hot summer nights making good memories that I would later deny. After getting saved, my parents both passed away and my sister and brother moved far away. My adulthood started and remained in a conservative, bible-teaching church. I was a young, newly-married, family-starting blank slate. I mistakenly hid the volumes entitled "my life" thinking it just didn't apply. I have talked with two people recently who say they "used to be Christians". Perhaps from the onset of this post you correctly thought, "Lori, you can't 'used-to-be' your parent's daughter!" You would be correct. Obviously I have learned that I was simply ignoring who I used to be which did not change the fact that I AM still my parent's daughter. In the same sense one can't "used to be a Christian". If adopted into the family of God then that IS your identity. If those who claim they 'used-to-be' Christian truly are God's children--if they, in faith, because of God's grace and love, received forgiveness for their sins---if they chose to identify with Christ because of His sacrifice on their behalf and God viewed them as His child then there is plain and simply no 'used-to-be' about it. It may be tucked in a corner for now but the God I know won't let them keep it there for long. If they did not truly do those things then they simply never were a Christian. The beauty of it is that doesn't mean they can't still be His child. It's also pretty beautiful that God is not the one who wants us to work so hard at our appearances for His sake; that's all mistaken human notions. He takes us as we are because His Son has done the work and in fact, if changes need to happen, He'll take care of that. Becoming a Christian is less about the house cleaning and more about the open house.

Prom 2009

2009-05-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

PROM 2009

Fun photos

of

a WONDERFUL couple :)

She's so grown up...

2009-04-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

I am so very proud of the beautiful girl
(inside and out)
that she has become.

xanga

2009-04-29T06:37:00.000-07:00

I switched to eblogger recently...I have friends over here.

However, it was fun to re-visit my old blog at xanga. The last time I posted was late 2007, so it was definitely time to start again.

an essential foolishness

2009-04-15T06:06:00.000-07:00

It sure is uncomfortable to appear foolish or stupid or to be misunderstood but it's not the worst thing that could happen. Actually, I think it could become a normal occurrence if I continue to attend the monthly "Grab a Brew Share Your View" open-mic forums. My friend Tyler challenged Christians last night to read their bibles from front to back. "What else do you have to do?" he inquired. He said he is tired of "Christian fascists" which he described as being like sheep; un-read Christians who follow a charismatic preacher and do not truly understand the pieces that they embrace as their very belief system. He wanted Christians to read the bible critically with an "eye to see". (I appreciate Tyler's exhortation because he is respectful, kind and well-learned. Tyler was also the one who kindly encouraged me that I had "every right to be nervous as hell" after I shared from the mic that night.) I will accept his challenge to read the bible from cover to cover, but probably not the way he meant; not simply to gain knowledge. As I read, I will seek to know God more which ultimately will grow my faith. I know this will happen from past experience. Arguments I have heard against the bible are about it's "inconsistencies" and also concerning what has been discovered about the culture at the time of it's writing. A Christian friend of mine once said this, "I' m just trying to say that knowing God has much less to do with knowledge than it has to do with faith." Critics of Christianity have a need for evidence. Evidence upon evidence. Knowledge upon knowledge. I would have liked to see Paul at a GABSYV...

For Christ (sent me) to preach the gospel, and not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power. 1 Cor 1:17

And...

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. 1 Cor 1:20-21

As I sit and listen to the bible's inconsistencies, knowing that is the foundation upon which they are building their belief system, it becomes clear to me that God set it up this way. It looks foolish to the world, but I can't dispute the fact that faith pleases Him greatly.

Faith is foolishness to the world but to the believer it is an essential foolishness.

And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him. Heb 11:6

"Paul never glamorized the gospel! It is not success, but sacrifice! It's not a glamorous gospel, but a bloody gospel, a gory gospel, and a sacrificial gospel! 5 minutes inside eternity and we will wish that we had sacrificed more!!! Wept more, bled more, grieved more, loved more, prayed more, given more!!!" -Leonard Ravenhill

High places

2009-04-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

I was seeking to figure out what living the gospel meant for me yesterday...just a random day, right? I've learned to consider that when my emotions rise it's time to do some investigation...it might be a signal that something else besides the "obvious" is happening. Through this investigation, I became aware that I was elevating myself; in this case, through one of my children. The higher you place yourself the harder the fall. Bottom line, living the gospel for me yesterday meant removing "myself and my life lived before the world" from the high places. God abides there. No room for me to climb up. Living the gospel today means realizing I am already abiding in the high places with Christ as a "trophy of His grace".

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

reconciliation

2009-03-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

So my last post was about about how we make ourselves appear to those looking on. The bottom line was that Christians, striving to appear like "everything is fine" when it's not, are doing a disservice. It is so like God to take that statement and see if I "meant it". For instance, what does the hearer do with the person whose struggles directly/negatively affect them? My response didn't match the test-tube scenario I had imagined...the forgotten variables of emotion made me, unfortunately, less than Christ-like. Taking a step back and making it not so personal, what if a person's confession does not directly affect the hearer? I was reminded that the response still needs to be free of pride and expectations. Bottom line...the confessor/struggler is not the only active participant in these scenarios. I came to this Learning at the quietness of my Bonanza prep table while chopping vegetables, stirring cakes, and battering chicken. I was considering not one but two recent confessions. (by recent I mean since I clicked "publish post" yesterday) Normally when a person openly shares their struggles with me, I rejoice for them, because it is now "in the Light". But God needed to re-teach me a bit about confessions that involve me. Unfortunately, I didn't handle it very well with one of the confessors. With the other, I disregarded my hurt...caring more about the heart. Should there be a discrepancy? Of course not. Believe me, God took care of that oversight. Initially, I justified the discrepancy of how I handled the confessions with my own judgmental opinions on the matter. Of course the heaviness didn't go away; the burden of the confession was still mine despite my attempt at pridefully separating myself from the matter. Between the checking off of items on my prep list I identified the "burden" I carried as hurt....so I prayed. I asked for Help to forgive. I know that when this person confesses to God... forgiveness and cleansing from righteousness follow immediately. (1 John 1:9) I also know I am a recipient of that forgiveness. So a God-thing happened...the willingness to pray and ask God for help to forgive filled me with peace and forgiveness. He doesn't want me to carry that burden...Jesus died for it after all. He helped me to have a fuller, internal understanding of this passage in 2 Corinthians 5.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.

The external response was all Him. Just the way it should be.

Appearances

2009-03-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

At the risk of being vulnerable, may I share openly? One of the questions posed in our community group this week was how our personal holiness is affected when we are with believers versus when we are with unbelievers. We determined that oftentimes when we are solely among believers (fishbowl type existence) our holiness becomes manufactured. However, when we are living and moving amongst unbelievers we can become quite stripped down, humbled and ultimately repentant...learning that true holiness is only from Christ and we just can't "make it" out there on the good works that we thought represented holiness. Matt Chandler hit a similar chord when preaching this last couple weeks. He said that "repentance is an internal change of mind that leads to an external change of living". Honestly, this exhortation would have mis-fired in my mind 10 years ago. I have always been an open person. I have always had questions and struggles...I rarely covered them up. People would tell me..."Don't worry, it is refreshing. You make us think. Somebody needs to share what the rest of us are thinking but too afraid to mention." It almost felt like it was my spiritual gift or something...to spill and share my stuff, so others could nod and whisper their relief to me later. I'm not saying I knew it all, At the time I thought I was weird, and that I must have lacked self-control or some grown-up gene that the rest had. It was lonely at times. I remember a night where a group of us, shared openly into the late hours...feeling a spiritual connection that was rare indeed. After some voiced their sadness that this kind of open sharing does not happen more often, one woman shared, "I have my husband and my best friend, I don't really need more than that." What I heard in that statement was the unspoken doctrine of our church; Keep your struggles and hurts to yourselves or, if you must, share it with a few close confidants. This is what would have mis-fired in translation of Matt Chandler's exhortation if I would have heard it 10+ years ago. I would have heard, "Repentance is internal, ie: it should be quiet, private. The external should be all about displaying good Christian works/a holy life." I tried...I really tried. Thankfully, God is re-training me and I am hearing this message instead; Personal holiness is not something that I can manufacture. I screw up. A lot. Personal holiness= Christ. When churches perpetuate the "across-the-board-everything's-ok" scene it is inevitable that manufactured holiness will enter in. Everywhere you look there will be church-going, 2-parent, spit-shined, hymn-singing families. They will be busy busy busy pot-luck planning small group attending deacon board serving outreach event planning Sunday school teaching...you know what I mean... Where do the hurt, questioning ones fit? The ones who are different? I lived like that for years. I think we are deceived and believe that this is the behavior that God requires of us. We think this behavior earns God lots of kudos from the world looking on, I guess. Please know, I realize I need to be careful because there are "some" that are seeking after God that are doing the above mentioned things for His glory. But can some at least admit that their lack of vulnerability sucks? If they live these perfect lives in front of me, and even more so, in front of my children and baby believers yet DON'T share that the ability and strength to do it only comes from Christ because on their own they are a miserable failure, then I would go so far as to say that they are preaching lies through their deeds. Baby believers (well all of us, reallyl) need to see the example of repentance in our leaders instead of finding ourselves "caught" in a sin and feeling so alone...so ashamed...and wanting to hide. Is it so awful to share that we are struggling or have failed? If believers don't share with one another that they hate, they resent, they are tempted to lie, cheat and lust...If they don't share that they overcome and are back on track ONLY after turning back to their ever merciful and patient God in repentance, then I would ask, who gets the glory? Being part of a new church plant, we have the chance to start it out right...I pray that we don't get in the way of letting God's holiness shine through our broken vessel lives so the world can see Him. I hope we are found laying face down, broken and usable so Love is spoken through us...not our own resounding gongs and cymbals. It is the hardest thing "in the world", really. I understand why we all want to appear to be doing it right. Ask my kids, ask my husband. They've seen me scramble towards appearances. It's so much easier to do it myself than wait on God to do His work through me. Easier isn't better. God hates appearances and wishes to see us resting in the righteousness He bought and paid for through Christ. His plan all along was to redeem us through His Son's blood...not His Son's blood PLUS our good works. This week, one of my loved ones on his death bed was given an opportunity to choose repentance. As Matt Chandler offered, it would be an internal change of mind for Jewell, my godfather. And not unlike my mother and father who have passed already, the opportunity to prove through an external change of living was not going to be possible. It was so very internal that they all were presented with the Gospel and all three took their internal response with them to the grave shortly thereafter. So, this last Friday morning, Jewell, after being whispered Jesus' love message and assured that no one's sin is too large, pursed his lips and wrinkled his forehead. He opened his blue eyes all the wider, trying to communicate, yet unable to. He was left to determine his own response with God as His witness. All three of my loved ones, like the thief on the cross, were unable to display (IF they chose repentance) an external response. Perhaps they were the fortunate ones---not having to fight the natural fleshly response we all have to appear holy. Adam and Eve even tried to cover up their sin from God with fig leaves. We do come by it "honestly". My prayer for my loved ones- for myself - is that we all chose Jesus' righteousness for our own. That we "pass" on the fig leaves.

A visit

2009-03-20T06:59:00.001-07:00

I was talking to a man from our old church the other day. He stopped by for a visit that lasted for nearly 1 1/2 hours. He is nearly 70 and was sharing with me about how he became a Christian back in the 1960's. He said he was a humanist. He joined the Peace Corp and went to Ghana and saw atrocities and pain. He realized that man was not "basically good" and ultimately, his core belief system was shaken. He became open to the thought that man actually had a "sin-nature" (although that isn't what he would have called it at that time.) A short time later, back stateside, his interest in the piano led him to a huge church where he thought he would hear a large pipe organ. Disappointingly, it only had an electronic keyboard. They also gave a gospel presentation that his now-hearing ears received. So interesting as I recently went to our new church's "Grab A Brew, Share Your View" open mic discussion. The Free Thinker's Group on campus (mainly atheist's) co-lead these evenings with us. It is obvious that their thinking is not open to good or bad. Moralism is not debatable as they believe we are not unlike the animals. (I believe this is relativistic thinking, although I am open to correction as this is all very new to me.) It is as if satan has thrown a curve ball because he knew humanism just wasn't working. The open mic discussion was about hope..."What gets you up in the morning?" They, of course, had no real answer for that one. I came away with a bit more understanding and a burden.

Bonanza Lessons

2009-03-15T06:30:00.000-07:00

Nearly one year ago I started working at Bonanza...it was a summer thing, I thought. I would go back to what I have been doing for years - childcare and homeschooling once the new school year began. I'm still at Bonanza - no longer homeschooling or doing childcare. Which means Sam is at school. This is a loaded statement, since he is our baby and we have never sent one to school this early. However, God closed doors and made it apparent that this was His plan for us. I guess I didn't think that after obeying God's leading to begin working outside of the home and put Sam in school that I would still be at Bonanza...serving, cashing and prepping. I guess I thought I would be working full time....somewhere grown up. But God has me working with young people which makes me smile since Randy and I have recently stopped working with the youth at our church. I love working with them...figuring out what makes them tick. I remember noticing how much they needed the Lord when I began working with all of them. Interesting how quickly I began figuring out how immature and in need of the Lord I am... So the other day as I watched Sam run full-blast down the hill to school I realized I have come full circle because I was smiling. He is doing well. I am doing well. We made it through what was a huge change in our lives. Time passes and assists in the process by simply doing what it does.

Endings and Beginnings

2009-03-07T06:14:00.000-08:00

What a great group, huh? There are about 6-8 regulars missing in this picture...I am the one all blotchy,tear-y and thankful in the back row.
This was taken on our last night meeting with the youth. We've been together weekly, in our home, for a meal, bible study and lots of fun.
We have been youth leaders at Bethany Bible Chapel for the last 5 years...and members there for 22+ years. "Why end if it's so great?" you might ask.

I guess this first blog entry is to share a bit of our journey to the place we now find ourselves.

The decision to go help plant Kaio church was not a quick or easy decision; it took time and prayers to test and know that it was God's leading. God-given experiences through the years have prepared our hearts for the mission that we feel led to join at Kaio. God has given us friends who are walking a certain walk. This walk testifies to our hearts and it bangs around and resonates within us, making us uncomfortable if not moving in "like-fashion". God has also provided eye-opening camp experiences, conferences, one-on-one's over coffee or a dinner table, and numerous experiences working with youth that echo and reverberate the same message: "Get moving!"

From the Kaio website:

"Kaio Church is a church that exists to change our city into a community that loves Jesus, through everyone of us giving every person in our neighborhoods, families, workplaces, schools, and friendships the opportunity to know the good news of Jesus Christ and to be mobilized into a local church."

Peace from God in our hearts and His word confirms this decision to leave. We are excited to go and yet saddened to leave. All of these sentiments hold true for each and every one in our family. Randy and I have 5 children...4 currently at home and the oldest at the University of Iowa on his own mission for Christ.

So last Sunday was our last Sunday...the largest blessing about the day was at 8:30 a.m. when most of the elders and their wives met with us and prayed for our whole family. It was very good for our kids to see that! There were some tears, hugs....and love. We are leaving a group of people who have walked beside us through the years with much grace and practical love as we've experienced all that life can throw at us. Those kindnesses will never be forgotten.

Once the official day started it wasn't too bad. It felt weird, knowing it was our last, but that's to be expected.
There was an announcement to the church family at the end of second service concerning our departure. It was mostly a letter of thanks that I had written, and they stated a couple things before and after.
The elders had a meeting with the parents of the youth immediately following to discuss plans, so we left. A few people came over to talk to us and quite a few ignored us. (Like I said, I think it was uncomfortable for all...and the abruptness of the message to some of their ears probably left them without words for us. We understand.)

That evening we went to Kaio and we weren't visiting any more.
It was warm and we felt enfolded...like we were supposed to be there.
Our family broke bread together and later were circled up and prayed over.
What was amazing was the way the mission was already beginning. We were already walking the walk God has had planned for us....in our thoughts, in our words and in our actions. It was another confirmation of His leading.

We had one more Tues night at our house with the youth...that is the picture above. (Our dear friend, Kenny and his wife, Katherine, will stand in the gap and lead for the rest of the semester at a currently undecided location.)
Kenny and Katherine and the other leaders gave us an excellent send-off on Tuesday with reminiscings of our last five years with the youth, prayer for our family and the mission we are joining, lots of laughter, heartfelt good wishes and love. It was obviously good for our kids to see and hear that version of a good-bye as well.
Rachel and Luke (the two who are in youth group) will still go to finish out the year with all of them on Tues nights. They each have non-Bethany (some unsaved) friends that have become part of our group, so they need to keep going for those friends as well as for themselves.
And we will not be twiddling our thumbs on Tuesday nights. We will be hosting a community group in our home...

So, I am thankful. I am open. I am ready to learn what this new beginning has in store for us. God is so good.