Epiphany

The stressful weeks before the wedding lent themselves to easy fear and more than ready concerns making the Spirit's work on the day of their marriage a quiet startle to my heart.

My heart had been doing a good job of warding off most emotion with exhaustion and busy-ness that day, but the Spirit, BEING the Holy Spirit was able to do His revelatory work, even through my thickness.
What used to be "What in the world are you thinking about school and career?" and "Why don't you see what I see concerning opportunities and direction?" was all of a sudden, "Oh! That is who you ARE, dear one!"
Peace indescribable invaded the place that used to be muddied with appearances and approval seeking.

I saw her, uncomfortable with public attention - the beautiful bride...yet, when one-on-one and/or by her groom's side greeting strangers, warm and at ease.
I saw the love her friends had for her as they said their good byes and was reminded at how she, the daughter, can calm this mother's hurt with a warm look and a squeeze of the hand. She is lovely.

Realizations, as only the Spirit can give, washed over me.

I see her as part of God's plan being used for His glory--Not a child being forced to become who she's not.
He saved her from me. He saved me from the past that ruled my thoughts and actions.
He is so good and I praise Him for His miraculous work.

Paths

I am now working full time at the place that I worked as a temp for 6 months in 2009. It is a good move. For me. For my family. Having worked with mentally ill clients for the last 3 months, my eyes have been opened. I will always be changed by them. Maybe someday, when I don't have children at home (needing me to be more than an exhausted lump on the couch) I can go work with these people again. Maybe I just didn't give it enough time...maybe I would have learned to leave them in their apartments instead of bringing them home with me each night in my thoughts and prayers. Not sure. But in the meantime, I am so very thankful to God for bringing me just what we needed at just the right time! He is good! Did I mention Rachel is engaged? :)

Another Day Another Dollar

It is hard to express how a person becomes big in your eyes. It is always personal...it is sometimes about what you value. With the mentally ill clients that I work with it is a little of both. I was trying to "gear up" to meet with a client this morning, feeling a bit resentful at the staff person who visited him yesterday because she took the grocery store run. It is hard to sit with Todd, but that is what he generally wants to do. He asks me at times, "How much time do you have this morning, Lori?" and I want to pull out my schedule and lie and tell him less time than I actually am allotted. I leave his place generally after having listened to his repeated, predictable diatribes on smoking and tobacco, dating older woman, the book of Revelation or alcohol and caffeine and his superman tolerance for each. I always smell like an ash tray and have to assure his paranoid questions that I didn't think anything strange about him the last time I was with him. It's a littany. An unsettled, obscure chant I must sing every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. God showed up this last Tuesday when I visited Todd. I'm learning He tends to show up where I least expect Him. That day, Todd told me over the phone that he had had "projectile vomit" the night before. He mentioned he feared for his life and had gone to the emergency room with his brother's assistance. I, of course, was not even close to wanting to visit him, however he had a follow-up appointment at his family doctor. Vowing to myself that I would drive him the 3 minutes to the doctor's office with my window rolled down so as to not catch his germs, I pulled up outside his bright pink narrow door. As Todd got in the company car he started talking. And talking. He filled that small car with words as I filled it with equal parts fresh air. After his appointment he mentioned he needed to get a prescription at the pharmacy in the next town and, could we stop at Kwik Star to get him some breakfast? Breakfast?! We turned toward Kwik Star as my thoughts raced for solutions. When he climbed in the car with two chili dogs and zero napkins, I told him I would drop him off at his apartment and he could go home to rest with his "breakfast" and I could go get his prescriptions and bring them back. He nodded agreement as his mouth was full; chili and mustard on each corner of his mouth. As I pulled up to his apartment he opened the door with a smear of yellow on the interior and asked in his slow, thick East coast accent if I could come up and help him with the sample of nasal spray the doctor's office had given him when I return. So much for dropping off the medications at the door and running. As I pulled away I couldn't control the hilarious, uncontrollable laugh-whimpers that erupted from me. Thankfully, I had time to gather control on the ride there and back. I prayed and wondered at what was rolling around inside of my stomach, assuring myself there was no way it was the stomach flu already. I climbed his steep, narrow stairs and knocked on the door. He called, "Just hold on, Lori." He opened the door a minute later with bare feet and an explanation of having to get dressed as he'd climbed in bed and dutifully rested. As I walked in the door, I sensed Something come over me. His dark, windowless front room held no invitation for me. Ever. But this time I knew I was not alone with Todd. Compassion entered me. I explained his meds to him and demonstrated his nasal spray. I watched as he guzzled a bottle of water like a pro --The directions did say, "drink plenty of water" after all. As I turned to go, Todd thanked me. "This was really nice of you, Lori." And I told him I hoped he felt better soon and I'd check on him tomorrow. Todd became big to me as I saw how small I was. He was brave and obedient - wanting to do the right thing. He didn't have a mean bone in his body and I was ashamed of my disdain. It is always personal - - these moments when you recognize Truth at work. I thanked God as I walked down the stairway, shaking my head at His great grace in showing up to help Todd in his moment of need. And me, in my even greater moment of need.

A bit of my new job

Today, while sitting in the waiting room at the mental health clinic, my curious looking and smelling companion and I watched an even more curious man walk in the door. Todd noted quietly (which was an uncommon tone for Todd in waiting rooms) that he was glad that man did not live above him. The man was wearing large, clomping unzipped boots. I laughed at Todd’s dryness as he grinned with a bit of uncertainty my way. He is still learning me. Even upon knowing all he needs to know, he will still never be sure of me as his mental illness makes him very suspicious and paranoid. His meds make him forgetful which doesn’t help either. I am still learning him as well. He is a bit unnerving in his fidgety-ness. He stares and asks pointed questions, like an inquisitor trying to catch me in my “lies”. Todd has an ‘80’s rock band mullet and is balding on top. He speaks with a slight east coast accent and has poor hygiene. Living in a cold upstairs apartment above an abandoned storefront in Smallville Iowa, he rolls his own cigarettes. Todd despises judgmental attitudes and “quotes” the bible to prove his viewpoints. While driving home from a dentist appointment yesterday, Todd was emphatically declaring between mouthfuls of donuts and trail mix (he waited 30 minutes exactly after the fluoride treatment, to his credit) that Christians, if they are good Christians, should never judge others. I agreed with him quietly and he turned to me to ask if I was a Christian. I told him I was. He sat quietly for the rest of the ride home munching on a candy bar. While dropping him off at his apartment, saying our good bye’s, he turned to me before shutting the car door, “God bless you, Lori.”

Gulping in the Fresh Air

I made an error today at work... an email blast error that went to some wrong recipients. When dealing with these type of conference registrants you never know what type of response you will get. Let's just say, I felt my share of condemnation as the responses started pouring into my inbox. When I finally drafted the appropriate apology and pushed "send"...I then received a few responses of, "no worries". Sometimes it's ok to realize how stifling condemnation is...just to realize how fresh and life-giving grace is. It made me think about the fact that I don't feel suffocated by the condemnation that should have been mine because Jesus took it all. That brought me to a point of giving Him thanks because all of a sudden I noticed that when that blame is removed.... I then have the privelege of breathing.